What Would Susie Say?: Bullsh*t Wisdom About Love, Life and Comedy by Susie Essman; Unabridged MP3 Audio Book; Narrator Susie Essman

IN WHAT WOULD SUSIE SAY?, Susie Essman sheds the crasser layers to reveal how she went from an anxiety-ridden, struggling stand-up comic to being one of the funniest women on television, playing Susie Greene on HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm. Emerging as one of the most successful performers in her field, Essman goes behind the scenes of a life in comedy with her funny cohorts, including Joy Behar, Rodney Dangerfield, and, of course, Jeff Garlin and Larry David, while also providing sidesplittingly funny wisdom on a range of topics that she's highly unqualified to expound upon, including men, sports, hypochondria, and stepparenthood.

WHAT WOULD SUSIE SAY ABOUT…

MARRIAGE?

"It took me a long time to find the man I was willing to commit myself to. Even the word commit is troublesome. One is committed to a mental institution."

MEN WITH DOGS?

"As a dog lover, I've researched many different breeds and I've begun to realize that you can tell a lot about a person by what breed of dog they choose to associate with. A bit self-conscious about your cellulite? A guy with a shar-pei is for you. They're hard to find, but cheaper than lipo."

THE BEAUTY OF MENOPAUSE?

"I guess I just have to accept the fact that I'm going to end up a bald, fat, sweaty, irritable woman with a dry vagina and a full beard who never sleeps and has memory loss so I won't even be able to remember how hot I used to look!"

STEPPARENTHOOD?

"My mother used to tell me 'you can't buy your kids' love.' Bullshit. You can, and it's exponential. They're like Russian mail-order brides—the more you spend, the more they love you."

WHAT WOULD SUSIE SAY? is Essman's irreverent, refreshingly candid, and hilarious retort to the dubious facts of life that we all face.

"Of all the countless times in my life I've been directed to go fuck myself -- from waiters to rabbis to trick-or-treaters to every woman I've ever gone out with -- no one has done it with the panache and zeal of the fabulous Miss E. Sad to say, most of you will never experience that, but this book is the next best thing." -- LARRY DAVID

"I have been on the phone with Susie Essman for twenty-five years. In every conversation there is wit, there is insight, there is vetching. Now she shares all this with the world. I am no longer the lone recipient of her singular sagacity, perception, and luminosity. But I hold no malice. In fact, this stuff is so good, I even hope Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney read it." -- JOY BEHAR

"Susie Essman always makes me scream with laughter. If she were any wiser, she'd have witnessed the birth of Christ. What Would Susie Say? made me laugh harder than I have in years. After reading it, you'll never be at a loss for words again." -- BETTE MIDLER

"If you don't already know that Susie Essman is one of the funniest people on the planet then pick up this wonderful book with her pitch-perfect comic voice on every page. Dorothy Parker with a lot more heart." -- DAVID STEINBERG

"Don't get me wrong, I worship Susie Essman. That said, considering she knows absolutely nothing about life, love, or comedy, I'm thrilled that she managed to pull off such a brilliant hoax." -- RICHARD LEWIS

Susie Essman has played the sassy Susie Greene for all seven seasons of the critically acclaimed HBO comedy series Curb Your Enthusiasm.  Her hilarious bouts of withering sarcasm and her uninhibited insults have become her character's trademark, and her streetwise vernacular is perfectly suited for her life in Manhattan, where she has been a veteran of the world of stand-up comedy for twenty-five years. She divides her time between New York City and upstate New York, where she lives with her husband, four stepchildren, and two dogs.